I had a great time watching old movies with Dad, Grandma, and Great-Grandma in them tonight. What awesome memories with even more awesome people. I have been blessed with an exceptional family, one that is supportive, loving, and most importantly full of goofy people who love joking around. Unfortunately some of our most respected and loved family members are no longer with us, and it got me to thinking. How long does it take for memories to fade?
My favorite practical joker, Dad, passed away almost four and a half years ago. As I watched those old movies, it seemed like memories of when we were all happy and healthy were so packed away in my brain's archives that it never happened. How disturbing. I forgot how deep my father's voice was, and his hearty laugh, and even how he used to make us all smile and laugh, even if his jokes weren't funny. I miss him so much every day, and yet I somehow lost touch with the man he used to be before his illness. It used to make me sick to my stomach to think of the day when memories would start to fade, so much that I convinced myself that it would never happen.
One of the videos I watched tonight was a family Christmas from ten years ago. Dad was joking around as he opened presents, Mom played through some Beatles music on the piano (we're very traditional), my Grandpa was all smiles, and the rest of the family was buzzing around enjoying each other's company. How great it would be if everyone were still around. I miss Grandma's big smile, Great-Grandma laughing so hard we couldn't understand her accent, and Dad taking pictures. I'm not saying my family isn't still fun, and we aren't happy. We are definitely still happy, act immature, and have a lot of fun. It is just different.
The second video I watched was of Great-Grandma making our favorite Orange Rice. Not only was it great watching one of the most influential women in my life teach me how to make a tasty tradition, but listening to her witty phrases. "Your husband don't eat no vegetables, just corn!" "She doesn't like when I salt her food." "I usually wear mine white hat when I cook so hairs don't get in the food, but I want to look good for dat thing (points at the video camera)." "I'll just make him taste it." She is the woman who taught me to really appreciate family and to really value the people I came to know in love in my life. She also taught me that, when things aren't going well, you have to make your own happiness. I've learned so many great things from her, and I find myself still talking about her often.
My dad taught me a lot too, and I find myself acting like him more and more every day. I try to be unbiased, to "kill em with kindness," not let life's hardships get in the way of what I truely want to accomplish, eat lots of meat and potatoes, and act goofy whenever I can get away with it. I'm definitely not as good as him at leaving work at work, and I do have a bit more of a temper (oops), but I feel like I got all of his good qualities. Dad was the type of person you hoped you could be. He was the best father anyone could ever ask for, and watching those videos made me feel so lucky, and so honored, to get to have 22 years with such a wonderful person. The one thing I really, really wish he was still around for is my wedding, if that ever happens.
Almost every wedding I go to brings a wave of tears when I see a father walking his daughter down the aisle, or during the father daughter dance. Whenever I think of that distant day I always remember how my Mom and Dad would practice dancing to bed after his stroke, Mom saying, "we have to practice for Jen's future wedding." Tears would well up in his eyes as he thought about it. If anything makes me sad, it is that I am going to miss out on those very important traditions with him. No matter what, I know he will be there in spirit, but I'll definitely wish he was there to give my future hubs a hard time, as well as celebrate a new chapter of my life.
I've really missed talking to him, my Grandma, and Great-Grandma since they have all passed. Like I said before, the family has always been supportive of one another, and it would have been nice to celebrate new jobs, get advice when I lost what I thought would be my career, work on the house together, or just to cause some trouble :) I know this has been a long post, but I think through all of my thinking aloud, what is most important is that your family and loved ones will always be in your heart, even if some of those old memories start to fade. I know the family members I miss will all be with me in spirit, no matter what I'm going through, and have helped me become the person I am today. You can't forget the people that have become bits and pieces of your soul. I wouldn't change the time I got to spend with them in any way, and I'm extremely fortunate to have such a great family. I wish everyone were as lucky.
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